Ever have one of those weeks where you have too much time to think? I had one this week and it led me to the conclusion that SEGA’s beloved blue mascot, Sonic the Hedgehog is just a past form of Slenderman. No I’m not on drugs, just hear me out on this one. Don your tinfoil hats and join me as we uncover Sonic’s sinister transformation with four reasons Sonic the Hedgehog is Slenderman.

Number 1: Elongating appendages

As the humorous image to your left shows (courtesy of GamesRadar), Sonic’s legs have been growing at an alarming rate over the years, with quite a disturbing projection for the year 2050. Some might say this is simply Sonic updating his appearance to stay relevant (nothing resonates with the kids like long legs and bandages afterall). But look closer…remind you of anyone? It’s our dear friend Slenderman of course.

Whilst a little less pronounced, Sonic’s arms have also been elongating over time and will surely be quite gangly by the time our little friend completes his transformation into the internet’s most beloved monster.

OK sure he’ll have to undergo a change in colour and dress sense, the later of which can only be an improvement as a sharp suit beats bandages and a scarf any day, but eventually our little blue friend will be a lanky and somewhat terrifying shadow of his former self. No jokes about Sonic being a shadow of his former self already, I’m warning you.

 

Number 2: Teleportation

It’s well known that Slenderman can teleport, using his ability to sneak up on unsuspecting people when they’re just minding their own business collecting random scraps of paper in the woods at night. But what if he isn’t actually teleporting? What if he’s just extremely fast? So fast you can’t even see him move? Who else do we know with such a love for speed (other than Vin Diesel, but we’ve already ruled him out, not tall enough)?

Why Sonic the Hedgehog of course! The little blighter might not be fast enough to evade the human eye just yet, but as his limbs have already shown us, he is still evolving and changing as he becomes Slenderman. You could even say that this isn’t even his final form.

Number 3: Obsession with Kids

OK hold the phone before you get all antsy, I’m not for a moment suggesting that Sonic has any dastardly interest in children yet. At this point is his evolution he obviously just connects with them and is more naturally drawn to being friends with children. But as his form mutates and he becomes a darker, more twisted version of himself then his interest in children could take a more sinister turn. Say like oh I don’t know Slenderman, who eats children whole!

Most people are killed by someone they know. Maybe Sonic remembers something of his past life in his new form as Slenderman. He’s drawn to children, but he’s not sure why. Then his more recent instincts take over and he devours them whole. You heard it here first folks.

Number 4: Electronic Interference

Perhaps the most damning piece of evidence is the image you see before you. Look at the television screen as Sonic approaches it. The image is fuzzy, as if something was distorting and interfering with the device. Something like Slenderman perhaps?

Slendy has quite the negative effect on video and audio recording equipment, so it stands to reason that he’d mess with other electronics like TV screens and Dr Robotnik’s machinations (I refuse to call him Eggman and so should you).

Anyway I think I’ve put forward a pretty convincing argument. Sonic the Hedgehog is clearly destined to evolve into Slenderman, whereupon he will cease collecting rings and start eating children. It’s on the internet, it must be true. Now I must go, I’ve almost proved that the release date of Half Life 3 will coincide with the rapture.