With Sony going in as the major leader in the current generation console race and projected to only increase its lead, let’s look at 5 ways Sony could completely botch its E3 and send them hurtling towards the bottom of the table.
5 – New PS Vita Update makes it only compatible with ports of old JRPGs
In response to the overwhelming amount of ports of old JRPGs being released onto the Vita, Sony releases a new update which makes only these games playable on the Vita. All downloadable games on your Vita will be converted to either Persona 4 or Final Fantasy X and X2, with there being no way to revert your system back to its original settings. Better get used to playing Final Fantasy IV over and over and over again.
4 – Sony announces PS Minus
With PS Plus doing so well, Sony decides to take a gamble with their online service and releases PS Minus, effective immediately. This new service ups the price of all games on the Sony Store, as well as charging your account for 2 random games every month. As an added bonus, the PS4’s user interface is replaced with a new version of HOME, which was incredibly successful on the PS3 and online play requires you to pay a fee every time you want to play. Also, the games that you may be charged for may be from any console generation and all DLC will be purchased alongside it. You better hope it’s a cheap game.
3 – The Last Guardian is announced as an always online, free to play social game
After 5 years since the original trailer for this game was released, Team ICO finally reveals what it has been doing with its time. The Last Guardian is now an always online social game, where the Guardian is controlled by comments from your Facebook friends and requires a 4 hour rest between steps in order to keep going. You can circumvent this by playing for ‘Guardian Treats’ which keep the creature going for a short while. The game is also isometric, has the same midi soundtrack which repeats over and over again and is only playable on the short-lived Playstation Phone. I swear if this actually happened, there would be a small army forming outside Sony’s headquarters within 5 minutes.
If you wish to keep playing The Last Guardian, please buy more Guardian Treats. £79.99 each.
2 – Playstation reverses much of its original policies for the PS4
With Microsoft’s series of policy reversals when it comes to the Xbox One, ranging from turning off the always online feature and decoupling the Kinect, Sony decides to follow suit. In the completely wrong direction. Pre-owned games no longer run on the system, it is always online, the Playstation camera is required to even turn on the system and when the Project Morpheus comes out, the system requires a full retinal scan every time you play and will not function without it. I’m pretty sure the New Mexico landfill which had all the copies of E.T. in it would be soon replaced by PS4 consoles.
1- Sony to partner with the NSA on the final build of Project Morpheus
This would be the change which would utterly destroy Sony. In a landmark deal, the National Security Agency partners with Sony for the final build of their VR unit, adding all sorts of special features and additions to the system. The headset’s new additions actually read your mind, contacting the NSA directly should you think anything negative and sending special agents to arrest you. The system also brainwashes you through subliminal messaging and can be remotely turned into a force-viewing helmet like in A Clockwork Orange to make you submit to your government and corporate masters. The VR unit also whispers pro-surveillance messages into your ear during play and can also shock you unconsciousness if you try to take it off. It also costs £1000 and can give you headaches.
Imagine it turning red and cackling when you put it on.
So there you go, 5 ways that Sony can completely botch E3. Hopefully, not a single one of these predictions will come true but if they do, I imagine Sony’s stock will drop faster than a lead balloon and armed mobs will descend on their buildings before the conference is even finished.
